The Eternal Child and Attachment in Relationships
A good relationship is not something stumbled upon like a rare gem. It is crafted, formed through patience, commitment, and emotional maturity. This truth stands in stark contrast to the modern myth that the perfect partner is out there simply waiting for you to find them.
Unfortunately, modern romantic culture promotes the opposite idea: the fantasy model of love. This model suggests that fulfillment comes from finding the right person, rather than becoming the right person. It places all hope in chemistry, attraction, and compatibility while neglecting the inner work required for lasting love. In this model, relationships become consumer goods, judged by how much they satisfy individual desires, rather than a commitment to growth and self-giving.
The result? People chase love while avoiding personal transformation. Instead of maturing into individuals capable of deep connection, many enter relationships with hidden wounds, unresolved fears, and unrealistic expectations—hoping that romance will somehow heal them. But an immature person cannot sustain a mature relationship. No amount of passion, attraction, or idealistic dreaming can replace the inner stability, emotional resilience, and self-giving nature required for lasting love.
Love requires two people who are mature enough to nurture it. It requires individuals capable of self-giving, not just self-seeking. The tragedy of our time is that many enter relationships emotionally underdeveloped, carrying wounds from childhood that they have not yet healed. Instead of offering love, they seek to extract it from others in relationships.
At the core of this dysfunction lies the popular attachment wounds that create what in Jungian psychology is refered to as the Eternal Child—a man or woman who remains emotionally stuck, unable to mature into the kind of person capable of real, selfless love. in this article, I’ll shed some light on these kinds of relationship dynamics, give a brief introduction to attachment theory and talk about how this creates the eternal child in many of today’s adults and how this manifests in relationships.
Attachment Theory and the Wounds That Shape Us
Attachment theory suggests that the way we bonded with our caregivers as children deeply influences how we relate to others as adults. Secure attachment leads to healthy relationships, while insecure attachment—whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—creates dysfunctional patterns.
A child who experiences consistent love and security grows up to believe that relationships are safe, that they are worthy of love, and that others can be trusted. But a child who experiences neglect, inconsistency, or conditional affection learns the opposite. They may develop anxious attachment, becoming overly needy in relationships, or avoidant attachment, keeping others at a distance to avoid rejection.
In both cases, such individuals enter adulthood emotionally incomplete. They may look grown on the outside, but inside, they remain eternal children, still yearning for the parental love they never fully received. This longing translates to adult romantic relationships. Our emphasis on self awareness is all meant to bring these to your attention so that you can do the inner work to outgrow these patterns and become a whole person who can form strong mature relationships.
The Eternal Child in Relationships: Neediness, Fantasy, and Attraction to the Wrong People
The Eternal Child manifests in both men and women. Though their behaviors may differ, their emotional core remains the same: they seek a romantic partner to fill the void left by childhood attachment wounds.
The Eternal Son: The Boy Who Never Becomes a Man. For men, this often appears as emotional dependency or avoidance of responsibility. The Eternal Son may enter relationships desperate for validation, looking for a woman to mother him—to offer him unconditional love, shield him from the demands of adulthood, and take responsibility for his emotional well-being.
Alternatively, he may reject intimacy altogether, fearing that no woman can meet his deep, unmet needs. He remains perpetually dissatisfied, constantly searching for the perfect partner while refusing to commit to any real growth himself.
The Eternal Daughter: The Woman Who Remains a Girl. For women, the Eternal Child often takes the form of romantic fantasy and emotional dependency. She may idealize love, expecting a man to rescue her, fulfill her emotionally, and make her feel whole. Rather than developing her own inner strength, she waits for love to heal her, leading her to cling to unhealthy relationships or fall for men who take advantage of her neediness.
Both the Eternal Son and the Eternal Daughter attract the wrong partners. Their neediness makes them vulnerable to narcissists, manipulators, and emotionally unavailable people—partners who cannot offer true love but who thrive on control and validation. The result is a cycle of heartbreak, disappointment, and deeper wounds.
Examples of attachment wounds and the eternal child in Relationships
1. The Anxious Daughter & The Emotionally Distant Man
Attachment Wound: The woman grew up with inconsistent affection—sometimes loved, sometimes ignored—causing her to develop an anxious attachment style.
Eternal Child Behavior: She clings to relationships, fearing abandonment, and seeks constant reassurance from her partner. She believes if she loves hard enough, she can make him stay.
Attraction to the Wrong Partner: She is drawn to avoidant men, who keep their emotions at a distance and struggle with intimacy. Her neediness overwhelms him, making him withdraw further, which reinforces her fears of abandonment. The relationship becomes a cycle of her chasing and him pulling away.
2. The Peter Pan Boy & The Caretaking Woman
Attachment Wound: The man was overprotected as a child, never forced to take responsibility, and constantly coddled by a mother who did everything for him.
Eternal Child Behavior: He avoids responsibility, fearing adulthood, and expects a romantic partner to take care of him like his mother did. He views relationships as a way to avoid growing up.
Attraction to the Wrong Partner: He attracts caretaker women who see his immaturity as an opportunity to "fix" or "help" him. These women, often coming from families where they had to be the responsible one, fall into the role of mothering rather than partnering. Over time, she becomes exhausted and resentful as she realizes he will never grow up.
3. The Fantasy-Seeking Woman & The Unavailable Man
Attachment Wound: She was emotionally neglected in childhood and learned to escape into fantasy as a coping mechanism.
Eternal Child Behavior: She believes in the "perfect romance" that will rescue her from loneliness and make her life feel magical. She idealizes men quickly and ignores red flags in pursuit of her dream relationship.
Attraction to the Wrong Partner: She is drawn to emotionally unavailable or toxic men who initially seem exciting and charming but ultimately leave her feeling abandoned. When reality does not match her fantasy, she either clings harder or jumps to another "exciting" love interest, always chasing an illusion.
4. The Lonely Warrior & The Damsel in Distress
Attachment Wound: The man grew up feeling he had to earn love through achievements—his worth was based on what he could do, not who he was.
Eternal Child Behavior: He takes on the role of protector and fixer in relationships, believing it is his job to "save" a woman in distress. He is drawn to women who seem lost, broken, or in need of guidance.
Attraction to the Wrong Partner: He attracts women who rely on him for validation and decision-making rather than developing their own independence. Over time, he becomes emotionally exhausted, and she resents feeling controlled.
5. The Fearful Avoidant Man & The Over-Giving Woman
Attachment Wound: He grew up in a chaotic household where love was unpredictable—sometimes present, sometimes withdrawn. This made him fearful of intimacy.
Eternal Child Behavior: He desires love but fears vulnerability. When a woman gets too close, he pulls away. When she distances herself, he pursues her. His emotions are a rollercoaster of hot and cold.
Attraction to the Wrong Partner: He attracts over-giving women, who try to "love him enough to make him stay." These women have a deep fear of rejection and mistake his inconsistency for depth. Over time, she feels emotionally drained while he remains emotionally detached.
The Painful but Necessary Journey to Wholeness
The journey to wholeness is not easy—it is often excruciating. Many of us carry wounds from childhood that have shaped our personalities, relationships, and even our view of God. These wounds are not always visible, but they govern our reactions, fears, and desires in ways we struggle to understand. To accept them is painful; to confront them is terrifying.
For years, we have tried to run away from our brokenness, distracting ourselves with external comforts. Some drown their pain in work, achievement, or addiction; others turn to doom-scrolling, entertainment, or shallow spirituality—not to grow, but to escape. Some hide in relationships, hoping that love will soothe their inner emptiness, only to find that no person can fill what only healing can. But pain ignored does not disappear—it festers, leaks into our relationships, and shapes our choices in ways we do not realize.
Facing our attachment wounds, confronting our shadows, and integrating the parts of our personality that we have suppressed, rejected, or disowned is one of the hardest things we will ever do. It feels like death, because in a way, it is—the death of illusions, the death of coping mechanisms, and the death of the false self we created to protect our wounded heart.
This inner fragmentation is why many of us live with split personalities. We present one version of ourselves to the world—confident, composed, in control—while another, more fragile self lurks beneath, afraid, insecure, and longing to be loved without condition. Someone who has been through a divorce, betrayal, or a toxic relationship often realizes this painful truth when they say the following statements:
“I thought we had the same values, but looking back, I think I was projecting my own onto them.”
“How could they change so much? Or were they just pretending the whole time?”
“I don’t know if I ever really knew them, or if I just saw what I wanted to see.”
I don’t even recognize the person I was when I was with them.”
“I became someone I promised myself I’d never be.”
“Why did I tolerate so much disrespect? That’s not who I am.”
“I gave up my dreams, my friendships, my boundaries—for what?”
“I kept trying to prove I was ‘worthy’ of their love, even when they treated me like I wasn’t.”
The reason for these painful experiences is simple: when we do not know ourselves fully, we cannot see others clearly. We project our wounds onto them, mistaking chemistry for compatibility, or attraction for love. We see what we want to see, not what is truly there.
This split personality creates a shadow—an unseen burden that is unconsciously passed onto children. When a person has unresolved attachment wounds, they unknowingly project their fears, unmet needs, and emotional instability onto their children, shaping the next generation’s struggles before they even begin. We often recognize the tragic outcomes of children raised in divorced families, foster care, or unstable environments, but there is another, more insidious reality: the Eternal Child who becomes a mother or father without ever becoming whole themselves. A mother with anxious attachment, for example, may smother her child with overprotective love, using them to fill the emotional void left by their parents in childhood—raising a son who grows up believing love is suffocating or a daughter who learns that love requires constant reassurance. A father with avoidant attachment, unable to process intimacy, may be emotionally distant, leaving his children feeling unseen, unheard, and constantly striving for approval that never comes. Even in intact families, these unresolved wounds repeat in new forms, ensuring that the next generation inherits the same fears, insecurities, and relational dysfunction—unless someone in the cycle chooses to break it through healing, self-awareness, and inner work.
The Purpose of Inner Work: Becoming Whole
The best way to prevent heartbreak and relational dysfunction is to become whole ourselves and to seek wholeness in a partner. This is the purpose of inner work—not just for our own sake, but so that we can enter into relationships with clarity, wisdom, and true self-giving love.
By becoming self-aware, we do not just recognize our own wounds; we also develop compassion and empathy for the wounds of others. We stop expecting people to be perfect and instead seek honest, clean, and mature love—a love that is patient with the imperfections of both self and other.
We are all wounded. The Bible reminds us of this:
“Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.”
(John 8:7)“If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us.”
(1 John 1:8)
To be human is to be broken in some way. But to do inner work is to seek healing, to invite grace into our wounds, and to stop carrying our pain into our relationships.
How Wholeness Transforms Relationships
When you have done the work to integrate your personality, to face your shadow rather than hide it, and to heal your attachment wounds, you become a person who can give love freely and receive love fully. You no longer react out of fear, abandonment, or resentment, because you have dealt with these wounds before stepping into a relationship.
Inner work allows you to develop:
Honest, direct, and clean communication. You will not play manipulative games or project your fears onto your partner.
Deep self-awareness. You will know when you are acting from past trauma, fear of intimacy, or resentment.
Freedom from emotional baggage. You will no longer carry unresolved pain from previous relationships into new ones.
A person who is truly whole is like someone filled with light—darkness cannot survive in their presence. A whole person radiates stability, peace, and security, making it nearly impossible for deception, dysfunction, or toxicity to take root in their life.
But the reverse is also true: If you are not whole, if you have not done the work to integrate your personality, face your fears, and heal your wounds, you cannot give yourself fully to another person. No matter how deep your love is, some part of you will remain hidden, afraid, or withheld.
This is why many relationships—even good ones—fail. Two people may deeply care for each other, but they were never fully known. Either one partner was unable to reveal themselves, or the other was unwilling to see.
The Core of Christian Love: To Fully Know and Be Fully Known
At the heart of Christian love is a profound truth:
“For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.”
(1 Corinthians 13:12)
This is what real love looks like—to know and be known, fully and without fear. The love we long for is not found in perfection, fantasy, or fleeting passion, but in the courageous act of offering our true selves and receiving the true self of another in return.
And this kind of love is only possible when we have first done the work to heal, grow, and become whole.
Breaking Free: Becoming an Adult in Love
Maturity in love begins when we stop seeking a partner to heal us and instead focus on healing ourselves.
Recognize Your Patterns: Be honest about your attachment style. Do you chase love anxiously? Do you push people away? Do you expect a relationship to "fix" you? Awareness is the first step toward change.
Do the Inner Work: Relationships do not replace therapy, self-reflection, or spiritual growth. True maturity comes from working through childhood wounds, not from expecting another person to love them away.
Seek to Give, Not Just to Receive: Healthy relationships are built on mutual self-giving. When we enter relationships to love rather than to extract love, we become ready for real intimacy.
Trust in God's Design for Love: Love was never meant to be a desperate search for fulfillment. It was meant to reflect God’s own nature—self-giving, patient, and rooted in truth. When we align our hearts with this design, we become mature enough to love and be loved well.
The psychological Eternal Child is not a curse—it is a wound that can be healed. And as we heal, we step into the fullness of who we were meant to be: mature men and women capable of building real, lasting love.